100 Awesome Sandwich Recipes Review (caution: sexism involved)

Our marriage was rocky. We barely spoke anymore let alone make love. In the earlier years our love could be heard from the far reaches of the family farm and we passionately expressed our our feelings a physical nature. Now our bedroom was as dry as a ginger's soul. Our anniversary was fast approaching yet my fears were growing that we would not reach the next. I spent many a frantic night racking my brains for a solution to our loveless life. Then one night it came to me in the form of a delicate deli made delight. It did not speak but it filled me with love and warmth that i had not felt since my last divorce. I immediately searched amazon, page after page flashed in front of me but nothing proved worthwhile, then, I saw it. The 100 Awesome Sandwich Recipe book. Could it be, could this rekindle the flame of my loins and spark a revival of the love and passion that had once been present in my marriage. It had to. I ordered. Days passed and I waited the hours until it's arrival. My hands shook as I received the package. Slowly I brought it into our house, I pondered as to how to best deliver this precious gift. Finally I decided it would be best to not wait and deliver it with haste. I walked across the living room to the kitchen door. Slowly I opened the door and slid the book in. I saw Joanna stir, she looked beautiful. Dressed simply and standing by the sink. Never had I felt more hopeful for our future, never had I been more attracted to her. She reached for the book and began to open it, I pounced. Our clothes were torn off as if they were on fire, and our animal instincts took over. For 3 pounding hours our love was made by the sweat and tears of a relationship almost lost. As we lay exhausted on the kitchen floor, clothes scattered everywhere I looked into her eyes lovingly and stroked her face. She smiled, a lone tear trickled down her face. "I thought we were finished" she said, choking up. "It's all better now baby... don't worry." We embraced. "Now make me a sandwich." Let it be known that is was in fact 1 of the most Awesome Sandwich Recipes ever. As I left the kitchen, I glanced back at Joanna, cutely chained to the sink/stove and I knew our marriage was saved. At least for another year.

Thank you Jill King.

Authors Note: I am not a sexist. Now make me a sandwich.

Doc Johnson Lucid Dream #14 Multi-Speed, Waterproof G-Spot Vibrator, Twist-bottom Control Review

I hear her light breathing coming from the bathroom. The door is slightly ajar. I move for the handle and inch it open. I trace her long elegant back and womanly curvature as she looks into the mirror. Our eyes meet in the reflection. She turns the water off and slowly slides into the tub. I step into the bathroom and watch her body disappear beneath the water and bubbles. My robe falls to the floor and I step to the edge of the tub. Her eyes trace my body as I step in to the warm water. Our bodies touch and soon we are at it like narwhal. Her fiery eyes seem to scream "Give me your seed!" but I have a better plan. I stand up and emerge from the water, soap still coating my body. Slowly I unsheathe my Doc Johnson Lucid Dream #14 Multi-Speed, Waterproof G-Spot Vibrator, Twist-bottom Control. A smile creeps across her face. I step out of the tub and her smile turns to confusion. I don my dark brown robe once again and slide my feet into an attack stance. My mouth barely moves as I make cinematic quality lightsaber sounds. She giggles awkwardly. I slash the air and leap into the tub. My Doc Johnson Lucid Dream #14 Multi-Speed, Waterproof G-Spot Vibrator, Twist-bottom Control slicing the air in artistic shapes and patterns. Suddenly I plunge my saber into the water and activate the twist bottom control. The saber vibrates violently causing more bubbles to fill the tub as I raise it above my head. She begins to stand. I continue to flail and swing as she leaves the bathroom. Slaying an army of droids and bounty hunter I can no longer take it. My strong Jedi seed sprays and mixes with the bubbles and onto the mirror. I deactivate the twist-bottom control and sheathe my Doc Johnson Lucid Dream #14 Multi-Speed, Waterproof G-Spot Vibrator, Twist-bottom Control. Another successful mission complete.

Extremely satisfied,

George "Purple Sabers are For Real Men" Cardigan

Three Wolf Moon Short Sleeve Tee Review

My heart races, the cool wind brushes my cheeks as I dart from tree to tree ever glancing over my shoulder. The night is young but my voyage is of a time lost. The sounds of the hunt stir my blood as I close in on my prey. The moon lights a break in the trees, I move forward slowly. There she is. In the middle of the opening I see her. The moon reflects off of her naturally oily skin. As she turns I see that night has only caused he beautiful hunch look more appealing. I move slowly towards her, I see she is skittish. So am I. I see her glance at my chest. I do not hide it. She senses my virility as I flex beneath my Three Wolf Moon 100% Cotton Short Sleeve Tee. By day our love is unknown in hallways of tile and judgement. Here in the night we are free. I touch her acne covered shoulders lightly with my finger tips. She shakes. Our love is young but strong. I howl. I feel the blood of my wolf brethren begin to boil in my veins. She howls. The long awkward hairs on both of our backs stand straight up. I look deep into her slightly crooked eyes and she into mine. We are beasts. Scratching and clawing, our love is made on the moss of the wood and beneath the blanket of the stars. She attempts to remove my Three Wolf Moon 100% Cotton Short Sleeve Tee. I claw her face, she howls in discomfort and dissatisfaction. I growl to prove my male dominance. We continue and slowly she becomes opposed to my control. She speaks to me in foreign tongue "I don't like this anymore!" I growl at her ferociously. She says "Really, stop it!" I howl. She begins to walk away and my anger is released. I thrash and wreak havoc on the clearing. Slowly I calm myself to a whimper and then to a low grumble and then I am free. I howl at the moon and sprint through the woods. All is mine for the taking. I am wolf. I am king.

Very Satisfied,

George "I am the Law" Cardigan

Ejaculoid Review

I remember the day. It was a Friday. The wind blew strong as the leaves began their earthward descent. The dreary autumn day was coming to an end as I drove home. I glanced to my left and saw my bottle of Ejaculoid sitting in my passenger seat, it seemed to say to me "Let's get your dick wet", he could be so sweet. I steered the car into my driveway and grasped the the bottle and placed 2 tablets in my mouth. I marched up the long gravel path to my home. Inside Maria, the brazilian maid my wife hired, was bent over. She hears me enter and slowly rises to turn around. I watch her voluptuous hiny rise inch by inch. I feel the blood pulsing through my veins as we lock eyes. I move towards her, she struggles at first but then gives in. We move to the living room and quickly we are naked, she gasps at my towering erection. We are like wolves, no regard for our surrounding as we trash the room in a violent and lustful act. After Maria's eighth orgasm I begin to feel my climax. I hold on for as long as possible and suddenly my manhood erupts. A force like Mt. Vesuvius throws Maria into the vintage fireplace. My seed is prayed everywhere, all over the leather couch, the velvet curtains, the Moroccan twin lamps, the Egyptian rug... not to mention my youngest son Orwell Scott. Needless to say I produced over 3 quarts of the finest seed that day. It cost me my marriage, a lawsuit from the now paralyzed Maria and $16.85 to clean up the mess. I, to this day, take 5 pills a day and continue to bless the world with my mancum.

Extremely Satisfied,
George "Yea, That's My Penis" Cardigan